Not in the mood.

three days without writing...

too preoccupied to write...

maybe depressed...

i've been losing weight lately...

crap, i actually thought i gained weight...

anyway, i'm not in the mood...

i've been double thinking myself ...

crap

"Masakit bagsakan ng cap" Monica Palad

Oo tapos na. Grumaduate na ako. Umakyat nasa stage, binalik na ang toga, kinain na ang handa.

Matapos nang matagal na pag-antay at mahabang paghihirap, nilipat na ang tassle ng aming mga cap.

At oo, nakuha ko sa facebook status message ni Monica ang title ng blog na ito. Pasensya na kung naging assuming ako, Monica. Nagustuhan ko status mo eh. Mamaya ilalike ko pagkatapos ng blog na ito.

Wala pang diploma. Sana ibigay na nila dahil yun naman talaga ang pinaghirapan nating makuha.

Akalain ninyo, isang pirasong papel lamang ang halaga ng apat na taong kunsumi, tuwa, at paghihirap. Isang pirasong papel lamang ang halaga ng nilagi natin sa Santo Tomas. Isang pirasong papel ang halaga ng mga alaalang kahit kailan di mabubura sa ating isipan bago tayo magka-alzheimers. (di ko sure spelling, patawarin ninyo ako at icorrect niyo na rin).

Sana malaki at magand yung papel. Maganda rin sana kung nakaframe na pagkabigay.

Nang matapos ang "solemn investiture" namin, nariyan ang pagbato ng cap. Nahiya akong ibato dahil baka may matamaan ako o baka hindi ko na mahanap muli ang cap tulad ng nangyari kay Esther. Nakita niya ata.

Last kickback ko na yung P200 na ibibigay pagkabalik.

Pero binato ko pa rin. Mababa lang para siguradong mahuli ko.

Nang ibato ko, pinalangin ko na sana di na siya mahulog ulit. Di bale na yung P200 basta mamalagi nang matagal ang pakiramdam ng pagiging estudyante. Masarap kasi. Maluwag sa kalooban. Bata pa rin ako hanggang sa mahulog muli ang sumbrerong iyon.

Pero nariyan ang gravity. Di totoo ang kantang "Defying Gravity" na kinanta sa Glee last week. (Galing pala sa play na "Wicked" ang kantang iyon. Maganda yung kwento, tunkol sa wicked witch of the west ng Wizard of Oz).

Dahil nga may gravity, bumalik ang cap sa mga kamay ko. Bumalik ag katotoohanang tapos na ang kabataan ko.

Doon ko naisip na "Masakit pala bagsakan ng cap."

(Thank you, Monica, sa idea. Ito ang iniisip ko hanggang ngayon. Di ko lang alam kung paano sasabihin.)

Shoes

I love shoes. 

Sandals. Boots. Stilletos. Bakya.

I only actually own three pairs. I don't even own a pair of rubber shoes. I borrow black school shoes from my sister. I borrow close toe flats from my mother.

I own two pairs of sandals. I bought them for two-for-P180. Did I mention that I am a tightwad?

I bought my third pair just three days ago. (Actually, my parents bought it for me.)

Stilleto sandals. Black straps. I like it. It makes my legs look sexier than they really are.

I am going to use that pair for graduation.

Unlike most stilletos or heeled shoes that I've tried in the past. This particular pair of stilletos are very comfortable. I walk for an hour a day wearing it to make sure that I won't embarrass myself on graduation day.

I love beautiful shoes. They make our feet look prettier and cleaner than they actually are. Feet looks really weird. It's also prone to uncleanliness because it's usually closest to the floor.

My dilemma with shoes are that most of them are really not that comfortable. I noticed that everytime I wear a new pair of shoes, my feet suffers while my legs look sexier.

I have a thing for beautiful legs.

Pain=Price of beauty?

Why do we go to extreme ends to look beautiful. Our feet were actually made like this for a reason. We deform our feets with these torture devices.

Maybe I'm being paranoid, but I think my pinky toes are facing the wrong direction. The nails are suppose to face upwards, right? My pinky toes' nails are facing the outside of the feet. ewww...I have deformed feet.

When I was going to a job interview, I borrowed my mom's wedge-heeled shoes. At first, I didn't care about the pain but the longer I wore them, the more painful they become.

When I took off my shoes after the interview, my feet were covered with blisters (pinky toes, big toes, heels, etc.) I was glad I had the forethought to bring a pair of sandals.

I remember our literature teacher. He told us that heeled shoes started in France so that the men would look taller than the women. Taller meant superiority over the women. I'm actually not sure about this. He was our teacher in freshman year (2006).

I wonder what happened. Why did the tables turn? Why are women the ones wearing heeled shoes now?

Is it because women are now more superior than men? Maybe women are naturally shorter than men and wearing heels helped them become the same height as the men. Does wearing heeled shoes mean that women are actually exerting their rights as equals of men?

If that is so, I should buy more heels.

POEM: Pintada

She treks unchartered
territories
For the thrill
of first blood,
Slipping slowly
from the corner of her lip

She licks it
and uses it
for lipstick

Other times
She explores
conquered lands

And loots the gold
to buy fricolities
to drape on her body

Once she's chosen
She reels in her prey
with bliss
shrouded in roses
peonies and vanillas

She'll render you
helpless
with knowledgeable
chatter.


She'll trap you
with sinigang
caldereta, adobo
and mechado

She'll pounce on you
when you're asleep
and hungrily
claw on your skin
until nothing but
remnants of flesh
are left

The trouble is
you will
willingly
choose to stay
with the pintada,
foolishly believing
that
there
never
was
a war.

Graduation Blues 2.0

Today, we got our togas.

Hey, did you know that togas came from the greeks? Did you also know that togas differ from one city to another? That's why everytime a citizen is exiled from the city, they leave their togas behind.

Never mind. I'm not even sure if those are true.

We got our togas after four years of trying so hard to earn the right to wear it - to deserve the degree.

I hanged my toga. I even chose a special hanger for it. I struggled with the hood. I'm not really sure how I'm going to drape it on my toga but I think I figured it out.

And I stared at it for an hour, thinking that my toga looks better than that silver dress that I would be wearing under it.

Last time, I was ranting about what to wear under it and how the toga will just cover it. I realized that the dress shouldn't upstage the toga. The dress wasn't meant to be the attention grabber on our bodies.

After four years of putting up with lame and irritable situations alongside home troubles, I'm finally graduating.

I tried on the toga. I got goosebumps when I saw myself wearing it so I took it off immediately.

I finally earned the right wear a toga. I'm excited to wear it again on monday.

Wala lang. I wanted to rant lang. I'm having mixed feelings about graduation

Manyak! Gabriela!

Isa sa pinakanakakatakot na karanasan na maaring mangyari sa isang tao ay ang pambabastos ng kanilang pagkatao. Sa babae, (minsan lalake) kasama na rin dito and pangmamanyak.

Kahit sino ka pa, presidente, bella, edukada o kulang sa aral, basta may suso ka at puwet, pwedeng pwede kang manyakin.

Laganap iyan sa kalye, sa tren, kahit saang lugar na may paghahalubilo ng mga tao, may manyak.

Di patas na mangyari ito. Di ko alam sa mga lalake. Patawarin ninyo ako kung di ko man maintindihan ang nang tama inyong posisyon ngunit magkokonsentrate ako muna sa babae.

Matagal nang ipinaglalaban ang karapatan ng kababaihan - ang kanilang "pagka-equal"  sa lalake.

Maaring mababaw ang pagtingin ko rito, patawarin ninyo ako.

Dapat patas. Dapat respetuhin ang babae bilang katulad di bilang kagamitang pampaligaya o pampalibog. 

Sa tingin ko, sa bawat haplos nang di dapat sa kahit anong parte ng katawan ng babae,  bumabagsak ang kanyang pagkatao  dahil di tao ang turing sa kanya kundi sex toy.

Hindi naman sa sobrang agree na agree ako sa karapatang pambabae dahil minsan sumosbra ito.

Sa tren, kapag marami akong nakikitang lalake na nakaupo habang sandamakmak na babae ang nakatayo, naasar ako.

Wala nang gentleman puro balasubas na lang na lalake.

Pero mali pala iyon.

Ipinaglalaban ng babae ng equal sila sa lalake. Di ba't kasama na dun ang pagtanggap na sa tren wala nang gender gender, meron lang pagod na  mga paa at mga nanginginig na binti.

Kaya naman, tuwing nasa terminal station, musical chairs ang laro. Paunahan sa upuan, ang mahuli, magji-gymnastics at magbabalansing. ang mahuli ay magkakaroon ng matitibay na binti at malabakal na paa.

Siyempre, di rin naman patas kung manunulak ka at ihuhulog mo ng sadya ang nakaupo na. Di rin naman patas na ang mga disabled, buntis at mga matatanda ay nakikipaglaro sa kamatayan habang pinipilit nilang manatiling nakatayo at may matirang dignidad kung matumba.

Ang nakakainis naman rito ay ang mga nagtutulugtulugan. Nakita na nga nilang nahihirapan, kunyari di pa nakita.

Lahat naman kunyari di pa nakita. Hintayan hanggang may makunsensya.

Minsan, ang mgataong ito, pinagpepray kong lumagpas ng estasyon upang maging conscious naman sila tungkol sa masamang nararanasan ng kapwa tulad ng pangmamanyak.

(Oo na, alam kong mali ang ipagdasal ng may  mangyaring masama sa kapwa, binabawi ko na.)

Music: American Idol Rant

I blame Miley Cyrus.